Ow.

I need to vent, and I'm extremely sorry to do so over the World Wide Interweb, but you know what? It happens. Today started out awesome, I'll just be honest. I got to sleep in and I'm thinking.. mm. Yes. I could do with a little bit more of this. What do you call this? Sleep? Ohhh, is that what it is. Yes, I'd take three tall glasses.

Then lunch happened and um. It was super weird. I'm not really going to go into it, but I'm just going to say, I could tell something was up. So I asked. And you know what? I got answered. I asked, it's not like I didn't want to know. I just had no idea what was coming.

I am not a person who is easily hurt or offended. I'm pretty secure with myself. I don't get jealous, I can go pretty much anywhere in makeup, I stopped straightening my hair, I can go potty ANYWHERE - and I do mean anywhere, friend's house, hot boy's house, truckstop, gas station, wilderness, I go to school braless when I wear hoodies, I pick wedgies openly, etc. I'm not too worried about what other people think of me. I like me.

Today, that kind of got attacked. I actually cried. How lame is that? Apparently I put on act around other people. When I asked for explanation of that, there was none, just the reply that I am different around different people and I put on an act, so that nothing I do is genuine. I apologized that they felt that way, (cause I knew it wasn't true), and recieved the reply that it is not a way that they feel, or an opinion. It is a fact that it is how I am.

Wow. I am more affronted by that than I know how to say. Maybe I am wrong in saying this, or out of line, but I really value the fact that I'm genuine with people. It can be a good or a bad thing, but I am me. Always. I'm honest, and I don't change for people. I love that. This came from a close friend I've had since seventh grade. It maybe wouldn't have been half as bad if it hadn't been blaringly similar to some events of the ninth grade that seriously, altered my life. I'm not dramatic. You know this. I probably say "Don't worry about it" more than any other phrase in the English language. But I just hurt when she said that. Which is weird, because normally I wouldn't care.

Please allow me a little rantage, will you? All right, skippy. I think it's ridiculously arrogant of you to tell me I change all the time, so constantly that I have no real personality. Guess what? Everyone is a wee bit different with different people. It comes from a little thing I like to call different shared experiences, and jokes. And apparently everyone thinks this? Oh, thanks. I'm glad you uh, speak for everyone ever now. That's cool. When did that happen? I ought to shake your hand, bring you some champagne, eh. Congrats! That's a big position. I'm sorry I'm irritating you, but I'm glad you could "care less" if I still hang out with you. I'm glad we're still friends, and that you're not mad, that you just wanted to tell me how I am. And when I apologize and ask how I can fix it? I loved how you told me that's just the way I am. I loved that you told me it's okay if I'm an annoying tagalong because we've been friends for so long, and I've gotten you through a lot. That we're still friends, it's just really, really hard to be around me. By thunder! What's a girl to do without someone like you to tell her her flaws?

All rantage, and sarcasm aside, I don't like things like this. They make me wobbly, and I'm usually so okay with myself. Things like this knock me off balance, and it's gonna take a minute before I can walk again without worry if I'm going to fall. I really hate that. I just want to walk, Shelby walk, pigeon-toed and knockneed and carefree, and I think it's gonna be a second before I can again. I hate the feeling of being self-conscious, and mostly I try to tell myself it's not true, and that I am who I think I am. That I am me, always, and always, with everyone and anyone.

But in the very back of my mind? I still have tiny doubt now. And you know what? Ow. That really hurts. :/