Tender Mercies.

Mmm, hey. So. Yes. I've been absent for a good long while. And I'm quite sorry about that. Mostly, I'm just swamped out of my MIIIIND. And I keep having these moments where I start to absolutely freak out. And I find myself comparing my life to Michelangelo's pessimistic "Last Judgement" painting on the alter wall of the Sistine Chapel. You know the one. Oh, come on. You know. They twisted his arm into painting that one fetching awesome ceiling all about the hope of man's salvation and God's glory and such. He did all right, yeah? So years later, they're thinking, Hey. This guy? This guy is gold. Maybe bring him back for the alter wall, heaven knows it'll be gorgeous. And by rights, it is. But also? It's absolutely HORRIFYING. And hellish. Google it. Go ahead. Even the saved people are horrifying. So, when I catch myself thinking, "Heh. Hey. That looks like Senior year," I know it must be time for a reality check.

Luckily? Heavenly Father had that in mind as well. Because every single time I started to feel like I wanted to push pencils through my retinas until they reached the back of my skull (violent, but you get the point) something ridiculously tender would happen and I'd think. Hey. I suck. Let me just go ahead and pull my head out of my butt (okay, honestly? All this grotesque imagery, and yet I have not the willpower nor the etiquette to mask it, the words just FLOW from my fingers, people!) and realize what a total butthead (hahahahah, okay. That sentence worked out. Aaaaand, now I'm narrating myself. I need to stop.) I am. Also, if you followed that paragraph and still want to be my friend, I feel like I want to craft you a medal. For real.

So, when, may you ask, would one of these moments appear? Well, of course during the class period when it dawns on me that I have hours of rehearsing, hours of homework, and the dreadful feeling that comes with an impending perfomance that I don't feel quite adequate for. (I don't sing and dance... but hey. I sure try. Come see the Musical Revue if you want to see something amazing. Come see the Musical Revue and watch me only if you want to laugh for a long while.) So I'm in Peer Tutor, and it's announced that we're going to venture out in the community, right? Well, I'll be honest. I love when that happens. There's nothing better than a bus ride with a special needs buddy - save maybe the fact that they will stop just about any misbehavior in a public place at the mention of cookies. So by all rights, I should be stoked?

But man, I was a negative Nancy. And all I could think about was - hey. It's twelve freaking degrees outside. And I'm in a flannel and a tank-top. And it's not even a big flannel - WOODSMEN WEDNESDAY, you failed me. Well. In that respect. So, we go to go outside, and I am freezing out there. The walk down was delightful, but after five minutes of waiting for the bus, I realize, my lips are slowly sliding off my face. My ears have detached themselves and run off to somewhere I can't follow, and in their place? ICICLES. I'm DYING. And I feel bad, because usually I'm all bundled up, just like my darling buddy Colton, so I can take much better care of him. Usually I warm up his hands and let him slip his hands into the ends of my sleeves so he stays warm. So I'm standing there shivering, trying to form anything like a coherent sentence as I talk with him. I may or may not have looked JUST like Rose from Titanic. "Come back.... Come back!" Yeah. You know. You know EXACTLY where I'm going with that. SO. Even though no one had previously sketched me naked, there was an everlovin' iceberg in my VOCAL cords, okay?

Then all the sudden, after being out there for for like ten minutes, I can vaguely feel someone take my hands. And I look over, and it's Colton. My darling, darling little down-syndrome friend. And he's rubbing my hands between his, just like I do for him every other day. I opened my mouth to say thank you, and before I could get the words out, he just shrugged and gave me one of his warm little smiles, beaming up at me from behind his glasses. I had to try so hard not to cry. I felt so humbled at the understanding, and the total and complete role reversal. It was utterly stunning. He just kept rubbing my hands, and then he'd stick them in his hoody pocket over his round belly and squeeze them - exactly like I do for him when he's cold. And he just kept smiling at me from inside his coat hood all the while. And it struck me that there were so many things that Colton would do to serve me, to serve everyone, if given the chance. He is one of the brightest, most loved people I know, and it's because he gives out love and friendship as soon as he gives you eye contact. You are his, and he loves you. I have learned so much from knowing Colton this semester, and I will miss him immensely after this term ends.

I just love that little sassy-pants, and our random dancing in the halls and our walks to the vending machine and our talks about X-Men. I love that when the bus never came today, and we finally walked inside after half an hour out there, we both asked each other at the same time if we were okay. And then laughed for a long time after and pointed at each other. And you know what I also loved? That when we were walking back from getting the treat he earned at the vending machine finally and there were some random meanie-faces standing in the side-hall, directly in our path, he seemed to sense the effect of their debilitating douche-baggery since the ninth grade had on me. I dropped my eyes and kept smiling, and he stopped abruptly right by them. And yeah, I was nervous, I'll be honest. And all the sudden he started dancing, just to make me laugh again. We laughed all the way back to class. Did they still make fun of me as I walked away? Sure. But you know what? I just so did not care. Did they watch through their classroom window as I got a drink and Colton held the button for me? Yep. There was definitely awkward eye contact exchanged. And I felt. SO. bad for them. Because they'll never have a Colton in their lives with the attitude they have.

But do you know what Colton communicated to me today, in the way he totally turned the tables and took care of me? He helped me realize a little that they'll never have a Shelby either. And although I'm nowhere near the calibur of a Colton, I'm still something worth having and caring for. So the stress, and those people - they just don't matter. You take it one day at a time and you love everyone anyway, and you take care of all the people around you.

And I just realized that it's such a backwards thing, you know? To say that I've been his peer tutor or that I've been helping him or teaching him all semester, is just wrong. He's been teaching me. Every second of every day we've had together. Some days he tried my patience, some days he's made me sad, but always, always, he's made me better. He's taught me so much, and been one of the best friends I have ever had. Knowing him has been the experience of a lifetime, and I have loved everyday we've had together. I'm grateful that he took care of me and made my day all semester. :) So yes. Basically, that.



And also. I need to go exercise so I don't convulse children in my bathing suit this year. So I'll be brief, yes? So. All right, children. I love children. Amylee, my theatre teacher's daughter ran up to me at least 4 seperate times today and just jumped on me and hugged me and yelled my name. :) Yes. That is a daymaker. Also a daymaker was when she introduced me to all her friends, and they all were stoked out of their minds to meet me. Also, one of the times Amylee was hugging me, and I was squeezing her, I felt someone grab me around my legs. :) And it was Kimber, a little tiny blonde girl who "loved me." She kept hugging my legs until I put Amylee down and picked her up, because she liked me so much. She said she remembered when I taught in the Childcare Center and loved that. Oh, I love them!!

Also. Other daymakers? 93 on a state level test I had zero time to study for.
Rehearsal ending early so I could do my homework. Loved that so much! And I could actually do the stuff today.
Annnd, I'm positive someone must have been praying for me fourth period, because not only did I get my binder organized and ready for notebook check, I successfully rearranged my schedule for next semester, finalized my intership, AND registered at the DATC for my CNA course.

And, to top that off, I had the best family ever, and the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Basically, life is amazing. And I'm annoyed at myself that I could even lose sight of that, when there are so many hundreds of tender mercies all around me every single day. So to conclude... I love life. And I love my Heavenly Father. And I love you. And I love today!