A Secret.

Can I tell you a secret? No... like, come closer. Hi. Closer. CLOSER, DANGIT.

Um, well, here's the thing. I am moved into my apartment. As in, I slept here last night. All Tuesday night packing, I just kept thinking... what am I doing, what, am I DOING? And, as happens with my A.D.D./sometimes flat-out refusal to deal with scary things, I had a really hard time focusing. Luckily, Cody was there, and he was a task-master. Picture him as a master builder in Egypt, cracking the whip. But... really don't. Picture him actually wearing my old extensions and looking like so:
Needless to say, I got done an hour earlier than planned.

He doesn't really have a fivehead. But he does always look good. So.

I hardly slept at all Tuesday night. I mean, genuinely and truly, I tossed and turned and felt restless all night long. That is NOT a problem I usually have. When I woke up at six, I felt like I'd never gone to sleep. I felt like a piece of dried poops, and I looked it. I was dragging my feet getting ready, and I honestly couldn't understand why - putting wet hair into a braid has never really taken all my time before. I had a feeling I couldn't identify, and it was heavy and not about to dissipate.

Driving down, I was terrified to show any hint of the crap-my-pants weirdness I was feeling. (Why do I reference poop so much? Haahaha.) Anyway, I felt like I couldn't show an inch of doubt or flinch in the face of the day coming with my mom watching my so closely, and so on edge herself. Any doubt I had that could mean I would stay home with her, well, she's going to want that. She wants me to be happy and do what is right - she is the most wonderful mom the whole world - but she also wants to be with my always. And she will be. :) However, I didn't want my doubts to feed her doubts... It was a quiet drive down.

During check-ins at my apartment, I had terrible anxiety. Of everything, and everyone. This little apartment complex - that had felt so warm, and comfortable, and fun, and right... felt terrifying, and hostile. I may or may not have been responsible for a random fire of alternating looks of discomfort and fear as well as looks of disgust at everyone. (I know, I can be terrible.) I especially didn't want to encounter my roommates. Which is weird, right? I just kept thinking it would be awkward. That I would be awkward. I felt shy and tall and so, so way too little for this place. I kept thinking, What am I doing? Seriously, I have no idea what I am doing.

So, I get to my apartment, and I see another roommates stuff - I panic! Then I realize they are not actually in the apartment - absolute relief. I felt numb while I unpacked... it was just so unreal to me. We went shopping for a while, and yes, Walmart in Provo is everything you think it'd be. There was most definitely an old man with a mop in the doll aisle, who at exactly the moment we passed, was in a stare-down showdown with a baby doll that had a disproportionately large head - you know like they do now, like that's cute? - and was therefore leaning a bit forward out of it's plastic shell. As we passed, he tapped it's forehead twice with his index finger, and chuckled to himself. Also, there was a lady with the shortest buzzed mullet I've ever beheld, yet it was so long and luscious in the back. It was gray and her name was Thelma. You can't make these things up, people! It's real. We came home and unloaded groceries for a while, and put my name on them. I totes have my own cabinet and drawer in the kitchen. It's actually surprisingly big. Then my roommate came in, and gave me a hug. And she was adorable. And I was like... I feel weird. Even though I assure you, I was quite less weird than normal. I was unpacking and talking to her, and I just felt so weird.

Then my mama took me to dinner, and we laughed and ordered the same thing. We even got me a bunch of art supplies at Hobby Lobby to fill my time - and remarkably spacious apartment, actually. Also, we went to the Creamery to get some milk and eggs and butter for cheap. The smell in that store is something I want to drink - the people, not so much. However, I was quite pleased to find a restroom in there so I could poop. (Bowel movement reference #3. You're welcome.) I didn't know these girls well enough yet to share my stank! And I was just dreading going back to my apartment with my roommates. But we did. And there was a girl named Olivia, who was so likeable and beautiful and had her whole family around. My mom kept guard of my window and blinds while I changed, and then she told me she was going to leave. Oh, man. Good thing there were other people around, because that was awful. We hugged, and I knew the second our hearts were close enough to feel each other be sad, we were both going to be in tears. I was right.

Luckily, she pulled away fast, and also luckily, I was in running clothes already, having changed. So I just popped back into my apartment for shoes and my key, wiped all my makeup off, and took off for the clubhouse. (I know you just pictured me in like an ascott and cardigan, running like a girl with my tennis racket and man legs. That's about right.) Once at the clubhouse, I hurried like a maniac with tears in my eyes up the stairs to the fitness room. I jumped on a machine and started running, until I had legitimately reached the point of not knowing whether it was tears or sweat running down my face. To the man who walked through, and at who I shouted, "HI, I'M NEW HERE," you're welcome. You probably didn't know you hadn't it in you to enter and exit a room at the same time, and with such stamina. Now you do. Hahaha.

But here's the thing. I got back after my run, and I was all alone. Welp, I was all alone with one of the dad's of the other girls... :/ I mean, I know he was a nice guy, but I still felt weird about it. So I just went in my room and closed the door... I ATTEMPTED to do Six Week Six Pack - Jillian Michaels. Britt was kind when she bought that and had faith in me. But since our apartment was about 84 degrees and I still had sweat/tears on my face, I stopped about halfway through. It was stuffy, and like I said... I didn't feel ready to share stank with these girls. "Oh, I worked out while you were gone!" "Yeah.. It's permeating..." No thanks, guys.

So about an hour later, when my sweat had caked and I'd given up all hope of a post-workout shower in the privacy of my apartment, I heard her dad leave, and I decided, what the heck, dried sweat is like the ocean (I don't know what I'm saying) and to make muffins since Cody was going to come visit me this morning. So I did. Couple things, here, people. If you're still with me here, congratulations. I'm rambling because I want to remember my first night at college in a lot of detail, and I'd be lying if I said I journalled at all.

So, baking reminds me of my wonderful mama, and sometimes, I like to be alone to process things. So this looked to be the perfect set-up. And you know what? I realized I was really, really, really happy. Isn't that weird? It was still surreal, and you'd think I'd feel the most lonely by myself, but I just felt really happy. I got a call from my wonderful sister Tori, and we talked and laughed, and it was all good. I was quite literally dancing around my kitchen singing to myself. Had I cracked more than eggs? Who can really say? But I felt so good. And my friend called and was having a rough time and wanted to visit. And knowing she was down here and that I could invite her over, made me feel 20 times better. So she decided to come over, and I decided to love that. Cause I did.

So we talked for a couple hours and I fed her muffins whilst Lysoling every last inch of my kitchen. And my roommate Olivia came home and was in and out for a while. And the more I spoke with her, the more I realized... I really liked her. She's from New Jersey.

And after Marissa left, my other roommate arrived, and her name is McKenna. She is a tiny ball of energy and AWESOME and she makes me laugh so much.

We may or may not have stayed up late into the night/early into discussing boys and things we love/hate, etc. GUYS. It's like girls camp on steroids! With better housing and without the opportunity of peeing outside. Which, while tempting, is an invitation for trouble in coool-idge.

Anyway, this morning I woke up bright and early and tidied again, and got to eat breakfast with Cody, who came to visit on his way home from visiting work friends at the HFAC at BYU. Guys, it was so fun! We talked and ran errands, and are now proudly housing Cody's works of art - Bret and Jemaine, of Flight of the Conchords. My roommates think he's a cutie, of COURSE, and once he was gone (he left around 11, he's a productive lad) I got to play with Olivia and McKenna all day. They're so creepy about boys, so I love scopin' out men for them and giving them free reign. I'm like their dad. Only because we decided Kelsey is the mom. Anywhoooo... I may or may not even be one of those creepy "moms" that "accidentally" throws their keys so their "children" have to go pick them up by the cute boys. I realize that sentence probably didn't make sense to you... But. I think I'm funny.

Anyway, I'm absolutely exhausted, so I'm headed to take a nap. I LOVE THIS. :) Why was I so a'scared?

Also, I typed freedom into Google images, and this is what came up:

Hahahaha. Abe Lincoln is my boyfriend.