I'm An Exceptional Indian.

Hi. (: You... really don't have to read this. You can scootch on by. I just need to write it.

So. I've been avoiding blogging about this for a while, but the glow of freshman year is starting to fade for me just a tiny bit. I didn't expect the transition to be this hard, and it's not hard in the ways I expected - the grocery shopping, laundry-doing, keeping-clean, part, I'm actually pretty good at. I've even been called a chef and a domestic goddess (both were said in creep tones, so I mean, take them with a grain of salt) but the point is, my mama done taught me well.

But then, there's this thing. And it's probably incredibly vain, but I feel like I don't exist in college. Like in high school, I was Shelby, and I was funny and happy and did weird, weird crap, and I was known. Do you know what I mean? Like I had the opportunity to be an example - people were excited if I was in their seminary class or their English class, I could make a comment and the people around me actually cared what I had to say. I know this sounds really vain. But I feel like sand on the beach in college some days. I'm just another person, among tons, and tons of people.

To be honest, it's kind of got me down in the self-esteem department. Just a wee bit. Cause mostly, I really like myself as a person. (Hahaha. K. You know that part on Enchanted, where the creepy guy is like, "Highness, do you ... like yourself?" And he's all, "What's not to like?!" Hahaha. I'm a prince.) Just as far as anything goes, I feel a little average. I don't really feel talented or unique, and I feel like a weirdly quiet, funked-out version of myself lately. And I don't really love that.

It's actually been a lot better this past week, and a big part of that is because I've been able to have a little more contact with Cody. He's home from his mission for six weeks because he broke his foot in the MTC. I know this time is really, really hard for him, but I also know that the Lord knows him and has reasons that He needs Cody to be home right now. I know that there are lots of people Cody can help and influence, and who need him. And maybe it's selfish, but I'm really grateful he's been spending some of his time helping me.

I have been kind of flip-floppy lately in how I feel throughout the day, and I realize it can be annoying. Cody is one of the few people on the earth, besides my family, that I am really and truly whatever I am with. Not like I'm some fake piece of nast to people, but just how much I wanna let you in if what I'm feeling isn't 100 percent positive tends to vary. I don't like to make a big deal about myself. I realize that sentence seems contradictory halfway through a blog all about myself and my feeeeeelings. I'm sorry to be selfish, but I need to write it out. It helps me so much.

Anyway, Cody basically coaxes my emotions out of me and gets me to talk about all this crap - all this uncertainty and insecurity I feel now that is pretty unfamiliar. And rather than get annoyed or run for cover from how ridiculous I'm being, like sometimes I myself would like to, Cody just loves me more and wants to help me. He is the best friend anyone could ask for, and his patience with me is an amazing testimony to me that Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of me. Rather than get annoyed, or say I'm sorry and change the subject like most people would, he suggested we make some goals to address each of the frustrations I expressed, and helped me with suggestions he knows help me personally because he knows me so well. A) He is the best friend anyone could ask for.

B) He's such a little missionary these days. Committing me to goals and whatnot. The people of Hawaii are going to love him so much. But not TOO much. Cause. He's a missionary. :/ Keep it clean, people.

So here's what we came up with:

1) Exercise everyday.

This has been a little hard lately with homework starting to come in, but I had it down the first few weeks, and to be honest - I don't really care about my body's appearance beyond the fact that I wanna fit into my pants, cause I can't afford new ones - but it really helped me mentally and emotionally.

2)Some sort of service.

I am never, ever happier than when I have the opportunity to look outside myself and help someone else. Chillin' in the me mindset, throwin' some AWESOME pity parties isn't where it's at, people.

3)Go to the temple once a week.

It's a little harder here in Provo, but it's doable and something that I love and need in my life.

4) Blog.

I have been kind of inhibited lately because my cute mom keeps telling me I sound like such a mean person on my blog. I hope you know that's not the case. I like to think I'm a relatively nice person. I find general delight in the human race, and when I blog about awkward happenstances or strange ... strangers (do you like how that sentence worked out? I do.) it is only because the tales brought a smile to my face and made me laugh. And I like to spread the love. I'm really sorry if it ever comes across badly. I've felt a little inhibited since; haha, I've written like six posts and deleted them because I'm self conscious. And self-conscious just isn't my style, you know? So we gotta fix that, reeeeal fast. (:

But blogging, man. There is something in it that is just good for me.

I don't mean to be melodramatic, and if you stuck through this post, congrats. Freshmen year is just harder than I thought it would be, in ways I didn't really expect. I go days without having a real conversation, and even weeks without being touched. That sounds like the perfect invite for all creeps in the proximity. WELL IT WON'T WORK, NOW WILL IT, CAUSE I CHANGE CITIES AND APARTMENTS ON THE DAILY. Um. Anyway. You'd be surprised what someone even touching your arm can do for your self-esteem. I feel like an everlovin' leper - and given, that probably has to do with the fact that I am now comfortable enough here to start skipping showers (it feels good to be back. Hygiene? More like, bye-giene. As in, I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY LIFE, GROOMING.), but I just want to feel like I exist. I guess that's what everyone wants.

Anyway. In keeping with my conversation with Cody, I want to blog about things that I'm grateful for, that make me really happy here in college:

I am really happy that my Aunt Sheral and her family, especially my cousin Paige live so close. Seeing Paige makes my whole week better. She is such an amazing, happy little girl, and she is funny. She's one of my best friends in college. She is always excited to see me. She is patient with me; she listens to me, and she wants to play. She is wonderfully accepting, kind, and she is so much fun. Also, she played Indians with me on Sunday for like, three hours. It just happens to be my most favorite thing to play. Always has been.

We both had rainbow horses, hatched from golden eggs because we were exceptional Indians. NBD. Anyway. I really know that Paige loves me. One, because she tells me. But also, because she is SO excited to see me, and sad when I leave. She hugs me at least three times before I leave, and Sunday, after our last hug, she hauled her little bike out, hopped on it, and rode as fast as she could to keep up with our car and keep waving. It made me cry, but in a happy way. So. I am really happy that Paige is my friend, especially being in college.

I really love my Child Development class. I know that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I need to do. There is a lot of comfort in that. I really, really love my school. Can I tell you a secret? I don't really like my generals. They make me wanna quit school because they are all sorts of dumb. But when I'm in Child Development, it's like some magical land that doesn't even feel like school. And there is a lot of work, but it's like a party and the work is like a reward because I like it so much.

Today we watched that documentary. First of all, it was an hour and a half of no dialogue, just babies. HI. I'm down. And then, I realized that Sufjan Stevens songs I had never heard, but LOVED, were playing throughout. And even though there was a lot of saggy, is-that-really-boob-no-how-can-that-be-boob, boob, and the American mother hot-tubbed NUDE with her baby on her roof in San Fran (Wow, can that NOT represent motherhood in the U.S? I will totally shower with my babies, but hot tubbing is a bold move), I absolutely loved it. It brought me a lot of joy. Babies are just amazing. They are SO cool.

Conference is coming up, aaaaand, I get to spend conference weekend in Southern Utah. In Hatch, to be specific - my happy place.

I get to see Othello tomorrow, with my cute friend Katie. I think that is going to help a lot. I love me some Shakespeare. It's like he lives in my SOUL. Hi, Shakespeare. Hi.

I have a wonderful, wonderful mom. She always wants to talk to me, and hear about my day. We're best friends. I appreciate her now more than ever.

I love my roommate Kelsey. There's a couple things I particularly enjoy about her. First, she talks in her sleep at a level so loud, it wakes me every night. But the things she says make me laugh so hard that I'm always happy I woke up. Second, she sleeps through her alarms, and it actually doesn't bother me. I wake her up every morning all "tenderly." It is funny. She's crazy, but endearing-crazy, not like that one murder-stalker movie there were previews for. You know the one. It was called, The Roommate. She is a good listener. We have weird talks late at night. Also, one time we shared a Sleep Number bed. It went something like this:
Also, we are almost always feeling and thinking similar things. This is both a blessing and a curse in public situations.

I have a 40 minute bus ride every morning and I get to study my scriptures. It is SO nice.

I get to be with my family forever. I'm really grateful to have parents who love each other, and to have such funny sisters.

I made pesto pizza tonight, topped with mozzarella, tomatoes, and prosciutto. We ate the whole thing. Also, cucumbers. And homemade ranch. They are GOOD.

Aaaand.

I get to be best friends with this kid:

He is the best support I have, and the most loyal person I know.
And even if he can't always touch my hand, he always touches my heart.
Yep. That just happened. It was that cheesy. It's just the TRUTHS. Hahaha. All right, get outta here. I feel much better.
Good night. (: