Breaking Dawn Broke My Mind.

Eeeeyah.

Um. The thing is, I did not like Breaking Dawn. And I will say it. I will say it loud and proud. I will spout it from the hilltops and insert it into conversations with random passersby, such as checkout ladies and mailmen.

There is but one thing I liked from this vile, vile waste of pages. And that is the fact that Jacob, my love, is finally happy. Even if it is without me.

Bella, you are a monstrous piece of garbage. I wish to take your hair, and pull out large chunks of it and stuff it into your mouth until it comes out your ears. Why do you hurt everyone in your proximity? Who do you think you are, perking up everytime Jacob comes in, being all, "Oh Jacob, I'm really glad you're here even though I'm carrying SATAN. Even though I'm married I like to still be in love with you, hope that's cool, and whatever." Why must you have it all? Why must you tell me what you "have," you sicky?

As I read this compilation of crap Stephenie Meyer had the nerve to call a book... all I could think about was the billions of trees downed for the printing of this little baby, crying out for their lives as they felt the awful words being stamped onto their ravaged bodies. Crying, "Anything, anything but this... Burn me as firewood, sell me as toilet paper, print me up as a Playboy, but do not shame me with this!!" Alas, their cries went unheard, for the people at the printing press had clogged their ears with several million dollar bills, from the billions of people who had preorded. So you see, it was a hopeless case.

Despite my complaints, I really did like the other books. Honestly, I did. But this book felt... different. Just me? It wasn't the intense, page-turner, read-again, the others were. It was an awkward something to kill time, that I worried would prompt one of those delightful mother-daughter, "Do we need to talk about this?" kind of discussions.

From a writer's perspective, I was annoyed. Where is the sacrifice, the conflict? There had to have been atleast 18 conflicts presented, which after twenty page or so buildups, were all magically written away with fluffy, no worries solutions like, "exceptional self control!" And hey, why don't we just have this whole fifty page buildup to a battle which we actually end up talking out, and solving by having Bella spread her magic love bubble. I honestly thought I was going to KILL someone.

And of course, she is the most beautiful vampire there is. And of course she's graceful. And gets to have children, even though vampires don't, and she never wanted any anyway. Of course she still gets Charlie in her life. Oh, and Jacob too. Never has to go through the whole thirsty newborn thing. Nope, not Bella. She doesn't have problems. And her and Edward... Ew. I was disappointed.

It was a nice break from my lame, lame life. Or perhaps just an addition to it, since I spent a couple days sitting on my back porch reading it. Not that I ever leave my house anyway. I don't know, I just wanted it to be like the other books and it wasn't. It was just a super big letdown.

I will say, that I walk away from this book more in love with Jacob Black than ever. The parts where it was him writing made my life about six times better. I think if not in love, we could be way good friends. Like the part where Rosalie gives him some clothes and he's all, "Bet Blondie'd just love to see me in a sundress." Yeah. We'd be weird friends joined by weird humor. It'd be awesome.

I'd write more... But I just am over that book. It was just a letdown. Maybe I'm a buttface, but I didn't like it. Sorry, Twilighters and Bella-lovers alike. Jacob and I are moving to our cabin in the woods to talk about how much we hated it. Yeah. What of it?