Funerals for Already-Dead Fetal Pigs.

Well, friends, its that time again. Time for us to gather 'round the campfire, (figuratively speaking, of course, its too cold for campfires) and share tales of our lives once again. I must confess, I've been holding back from you.

You see, I've been disecting a fetal pig for the past two weeks, and silly me, I've kept all mum about it. I was only trying to protect you from the gruesome task I've been performing. There are so many nasty, fluid filled, juice-spurting stories I could tell, but I shan't sport with your upchuck reflex. No, readers. Not in this entry.

Today was our last day with the piglets. It was quite the emotional affair. After poking around their organs one last time, pulling out the large intestine and seeing just how far they stretch, and ultimately pulling everything out as instructed so we were left with just an empty shell of a baby pig, alas, it was time to say goodbye.

So we packed up the organs, skin shreds, eyeballs, brain, and pig shells back into the fluid-filled bags, twisty tied the top, and said a heartfelt goodbye.

I thought you might enjoy some excerpts from the funerals we held on their behalf. I would like to note that all the pig fetuses were named. It was a trend I began when I named our pig Van Gogh, because of a mutilated ear. I'm sure you all know the story of Van Gogh cutting off his ear and sending it to his girlfriend, right? Right. Moving along. Here are some gems from the goodbye ceremonies.

"Miles was a good pig. Pig fetus. Fetal pig? The best there ever was. He, (emotional voice crack) he had a big heart. Literally. Like, abnormally large. Lance Armstrong-ish large. Because you loved more, didn't you boy? I know you did. You DID. Oh, gaaah, why?... You had a cute little snout. The cutest I ever saw. It was yellow and wrinkled, with a little bit of hair on it and-" -Parker
"- Don't, don't forget that little way he had of sticking his tongue out all the time." -Cade
"You stuck your tongue out a lot, emphasizing the little hairs all over your snout." -Parker
(Wistful smile) "He's facial hair put mine to shame. You could grow a mustache and noise hair like nobody's business. I'm gonna miss you buddy." -Cade (Their group hugs, and drops the pig into the biohazard trash.)

"You know, Shane, I don't think it was ever coincidence we shared the same name. You just looked like a Shane when you came sliding from the ziploc baggie, all covered in your own juices. But as I got inside you, really got to understand how things work inside you, how they would have worked for us... I felt a connection. I am now, more so than ever, happy to share my name with such an upstanding pig. Thank the Lord I don't smell a thing like you, but I think I've learned something from you Shane... We're the same inside, aren't we?" -Shane

"Obama, you were the only black pig of the litter. And instead of rejecting you because you were black, we CHOSE you because you were black. And I feel like it has the been a great decision. You were also the runt of the litter, abnormally small and harder to work with... But overall, you were great. So, I guess this is goodbye.. I'm not gonna lie, if this smell ever washes off of my hands, I'm going to pray I never remember the sight of your skinless shell of a fetal body. Okay, bye." -Maddy

"Listen, I know we all make jokes about the smell. And let's be honest, it is nasty. So... Um. Yeah. Sorry you smell bad? And I'm sorry about the time I went up behind Shelby and stuck my gloves right under her nose and said, 'Wanna know what Hell smells like?' I shouldn't have done that in front of you. I'm sorry I cut up all your innards. I'm sorry I left you alone so much. I'm sorry for everything!... Sorry, pig." -Jeremy

"Van Gogh, you are one unique animal. Of all your fetal brothers and sisters, you were the only one with congealed blood. Everyone else was clean as a whistle, but not you, you dirty boy. I'm sorry about the time we cut off your penus. In my defense, it was Dalton's fault, because as the only boy in the group, he really should have stopped me. I picked it up and asked what it was, and he told me it was just extra skin. Blame him for your lack of manhood. I'll never forget all the times we had. I won't call them good times... but you had style, kid. DAMNIT if you had ever made it out of the womb, you unborn little pig fetus. We could have had something... something real special... I'm sorry, I can't. Someone else take the wheel."

"Your little spots, your little spotty spots, the s pots on your body, scattered around spottedly, spottsies, spots, spotters-"
"Stop talking. You're disgracing his memory."

HAHAHAHAHA. And so many more.