But AHEM! Let me just take you on a tour of my adventure this evening. Well, there I was, friends. Snuggled into bed, and oh? Who do was I snuggled up with, you ask? Just all the boys from The Outsiders. As I lay tucked away in my yellow room, reading S.E. Hinton's brilliance... all these BOYS just started popping out of nowhere, knife fighting in my room. And hey. I didn't hate it. 'Maginations aren't bad when they can conjure up the following boys in your head.... (Luckily there are people just as creepy as I am - if not more so! - on the Tube of You. And they enjoy Beat It appropriately. I LIKE THAT.)
So me and my greasers are partying, right? And I'm pretty pleased with that, I'll be honest. And I've only really got two things going in my head... One, is the fact that I'm feeling AWESOME that I took a shower before four o clock in the afternoon today, and two, is the fact that one time, my best friends and I had a lovely day wherein we were excused from Advanced Theatre, due to AP testing, and we went and partied at Burger Stop. While there, a lively discussion ensued, during which we compared our tuff diner times to The Outsiders. My friend James decided, and was unanimously supported in doing so, that I was Cherry Vallance, because I'd "be the one stuck in the middle, seeing the good in everyone." (: It was a daymaker, just sayin'. But that aside... I was in the Outsiders ZONE. Then I received a text asking if I was coming to do volunteer work like I'd promised with some girls in my ward. (Insert abrupt record stopping noise.) WIKKI-WHUT! My bad...
So, I threw on jeans, and away I went! I actually legitimately was super excited to go. It makes me so happy that it's borderline ridiculous. So I'm there, and I get in the swing of things REAL fast. Heck, if there was a college degree for being able to put exactly 14 apples in a plastic baggy EVERYTIME, oh you know I'd have it! So that's all going down. Suddenly, this huge old man is just lurking over us. And I hate to say it, but he's not the cute old. He's the make-me-nervous-huge-guy-with-a-coincidentally-elderly-face. Now, I'm like, "Okay, Shelby, honestly? Maybe you're just a jerk." But then... I make eye contact with one of my favorite leaders, the bishop's wife, and she is totally creeped too. He kept changing his mind about what he wanted us to do with this one apple box, and I just felt like, "Good mercy. IT'S A BOX. OF. APPLES. My leaders are doing their best?!" Hahhaha. So we're all trying to make jokes out of it to defuse the tension... Nope. Not even a smile. But then everything he says, he does this horrifically creepy laugh. Like, honestly, it was akin to something you'd hear going down a tunnel on a haunted amusement park ride. And it just kept coming. And he'd be like, "So where do you live, EXACTLY?" (Insert dark laugh that will curl your noise-hairs in an instant.) My leaders are freaked the creep out! So we're like throwing out general landmarks, ANYTHING to keep this guy off our scent. Like, "Yeah, haaa, you pass a lot of THINGS. You turn at the thing? Oh you know, the thing! And there's some water. It's in like an oval. And there's grasses and sidewalks... and street lights. OH MY GOSH YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?! We have some signs on the streetlights restricting anyone who can make that horrifying sound that issues from your mouth everytime you're amused. Also, there's a "Have You Seen This Person?" sign, with your VERY picture, and underneath it says, 'If so, run like a bat out of hell.' HA, HA... Quaint, right? Yeah, it's a great neighborhood. Very child-friendly. Or at least... That's how we'd like to keep it. Please don't go look at our addresses on the sign-in sheet, for the love of all that is HOLY."
So I don't know. I mean, I GUESS it was a little uncomfortable. Especially when he kept swooping in and out of nowhere. To the point that when my darling friend Meghan ducked underneath the work table to grab more twisty ties, I sidled away uncomfortably at the possibility of him being the under-the-table-lurker. Because trust me. It WAS a possibility. This guy.... this guy. That's all I can say. So I jump a little, and he appears, naturally, and is like, "Oh, she's just like a giant mouse" (Satanic laugh) I stroked her little hair and was like, "No, you're not..." And he just laughed at my "antics." In a way where I just wanted to make the following face:
And be like... "I... wish you wouldn't."
So then, this little missionary is there on his P-day right? And the guy. Let's call him... I don't know. I feel like maybe he was a Larry? But not a fun Larry. More like the I'll-eat-your-kittens-as-soon-as-look-at-them, kinda Larry. So Larry's like, "Hey Elder Nameescapesmeatpresent, how'd you like to work with all these young ladies!" HahahaheheheHOHOHOha. Bless his heart! He about keeled over dead, and hurried and got busy elsewhere. He doesn't know how to interact anymore. TRUST me, I have a friend in the Ukraine. They're socially RETARDED. And it's adorable, but I'm like, "Okay, really? Why don't you just throw a bunch of cute girls at a missionary trying to focus? That seems appropriate.... NOT?" So I just felt bad. Because everytime girls talk to Matt? He's like horrified. Two drunk girls slapped his butt and tried to feel him up and it was like the biggest trial of his whole life. Hahahah. Those Ukrainian women are forward as all get-out! But seriously. Boys don't need extra temptations on a meeshon! And not that I myself was much of a temptation (just because I showered... doesn't mean a whole lot) but I mean, we have some cute Laurels! Hahahah, it was just a hot box of awkward tension. And everytime I made eye contact with him over the produce we were stocking out in the main food bank... I just wanted to apologize. Woof. WOOF.
Just... so many oddities. Like this little guy who kept just popping up, in his glasses and plaid shirt and pointy-nose, doing what can only be described as an Egor-shuffle. Picture that however you will. He was ADORABLE, and he made me smile everytime he appeared. Another thing that made me smile? I restocked the chocolate milk there at least four time. Apparently people in financial trouble have an especially keen sweet-tooth. I thought it was cute, I don't know why!
But... you know what wasn't cute? When the guy requested a girl and a leader and summoned us (again, my bishop's wife. Good thing we're BFF and she can READ MY MIND.) into an industrial-type elevator that looked like it had swallowed up its fair share of saints here to serve. SOOOooo sketchy. Then he instructed us to clean the kitchen and lunchroom. Um. That kinda struck us as a little odd. I know all this is going to sound like I'm the world's worst service-doer, and I complain like nobody's business. Please know that I just loved every second of it, and there were lots of tender moments but I think because of confidentiality issues I can't share all of them. But I'm so glad the church helps families, and I had little missionary opportunity, and all that.
I guess the fact that it was creepy was just a huge bonus! Heh heh... Like, I kid you not. The lower the elevator got into the dudgeon of servicedom-DOOM, his voice dropped in decibel level. I was not the only one who noticed it. HORRIFYING. As we did jobs that logically had nothing to do with the actual people recieving service, but were probably the responsibility of the janitorial staff... Larry kept cracking sexist jokes about women cleaning up better, and how it was our lot in life, and how he was keeping us past the allowed time (which he was, even though my leader had FIVE kids at home, all under the watch of her eighth grade son! The woman was worried about coming home to a house on fire!) and how he was going to keep us there forever (which he WASN'T). He had us using this way old-school mop, and my leader had no idea how to use it. Like, for the sake of the people, I'll donate a Swiffer! I swear we were just spreading dirty water around. We're working hard, we're sweating.. and we realize he's just watching us. Just, watching. :/ Uh-UHHHH. So we're feeling weird, right? So to make conversation, my leader's like, "Yeah... I have no idea how to use this." And he's like, "CLEARLY YOU WERE NEVER IN THE NAVY!!" (Dark laughter) And starting to get ultra-creeped, she's like, "Yeah, and not a pirate ship either!" hahahah. She's my hero. But once he made an allusion to us being his slaves? We were sooooo OUT of there.
And now I'm home safe, but there were just some shining moments of awesome, you know? For instance? My leaders pretending to be janitors missing chromosomes... Don't judge. Or me finding a stairwell that echoed like nobody's business and went straight down whilst I went to get a drink! So what if I creeped my head over the doorway and sang the highest note I know how. The people in the basement probably thought there were just some angels... Nbd. NO BIG DEAL. Hahahaha. Just kidding. But also! As we were leaving, and taking the elevator back up to people who laugh normal, daylight, and to see OUR FAMILIES AGAIN, Larry turned off all the lights down there until it was just all of us, and the darkness, except for the glowing elevator button. And for some reason, this SpongeBob moment came inexplicably to my mind...
And I laughed all the way home. HAHAHA.
You are a gem of humanity, my Shelby girl.
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