You Wanna Buy A Sundial?

Here's some craziness. First thing Saturday morning, we went to Summer Palace, which is pretty much amazing. And there's a whole bunch of drama surrounding it. Our tour guide, Clement, told us all kinds of wild things about the empress who got the place hoppin'. Apparently, she actually began a concubine but really knew how to work the system, and ended up overstepping the actual empress. I loved going room to room and hearing the individual history of each part of the palace. It was like a real live episode of the History Channel. And we all know how I love my History Channel. Or Discovery Channel, or Travel Channel. I just like the world and its history. So sue me. When I get home, I'd like someone to just watch hours and hours of documentaries with me. So. Thanks. Anyway. There were courtyards, lush gardens, tiny bridges, huuuuge lily pads, a misty lake with willows kissing its edges... pretty much anything stereotypically beautiful and cliche that you can imagine. And the best part was, it was real. It was authentic. There were paint chips and missing bricks, and I was there to live it and breathe it.

Funny story. We were talking about uniqs (sp?) and naturally, I'm the one who has to end up explaining what, exactly, that is to the people nearby me. "A man? No. You can't neuter a man. You're lying. You can't just neuter a man like a dog! They wouldn't do that." But they did, though. Best believe. It led me to wondering if uniqs could, you know. Still get frisky and things. My question was quickly answered when we walked to the next part of the palace... her lover/uniq's quarters. She kept him closest because she wanted him to get there quickly when she called for him. ChouknawI'msayiiIIIiin'. BowchickabowWOW. I guess not having testicles is, after all, foolproof birth control. So all right. Go empress! The best part was when Clement would tell us their conversations, like he knew them verbatim. "Then she say, 'Why you have the yellow cloth in your apartment?' She very angry. And he very clever, her lover. He say, 'Oh, my beautiful empress. It for you! I can't have you sit on regular wooden chair.' And she very, very happy with her lover. She pleased with him. You know?" You just have to hear it in his voice. He did that the whole tour. It's like he was THERE back in the day. I love Clement. He teases us so much. He calls us girls, "the beauty." And he's SO smart. I could live twice as long and not know half as much. Also, he's probably the most helpful man alive.

We hit up a silk factory after that and saw how they make silk. Thoughts on this:

1) Silk worms are creepy as crap.

2) Making silk is the coolest thing in the world. And our tour group helped make a quilt. Just casually piecing together silk in China, is all. Hi.

3) They told us to burn a little bit of the quilt lining we wanted to buy to test if it was real silk. I mean, I know I'm new here, but I can't ever see that being okay. Like, Hey, I'm from America and I don't trust the quality of your product, can I just burn it a bit and see if I want to buy? UH UH. Nooope. Not happening.

3) The silk store after was two floors of sheer class if I've EVER experienced. So many wedding night jokes. So many abominable outfits that still would've felt like being naked inside a cloud. We made 'silk' a verb, and even though none of us necessarily knew what it meant, it went on the fast track to nowhere good. We were crying we were all laughing so hard. "Oh, man. Would you silk me in this?" "I'd silk that." "That scared the silk out of me." "On a scale of one to silk, how am I lookin' in this?" "Yeah, we're silking... So."

Our next stop was the Pearl Market. The Pearl Market is like the Black Market. Nothing is really what they say, and you haggle the crap out of whatever you want to buy. People got iPods for 25, jerseys for 7, etc. It was insanity. It made me think of that part on Mulan. "Wanna buy a sun dial?" I got a watch for when I move to my province. Also, a yellow traditional dress that is size large. :/ They think I am a hefty woman here. I'm trying not to let it get to me... I mean.

 And it turns out I am quite the haggler! It's sort of like a game, and I LOVED it. There was so much to see! And hi. Let's just say Christmas is taken care of. Boom. Roasted. Mom, you would hate it, though. There is so much stuff, and people grab you and pull you to their wares, and are always so upset. And every conversation is the same. Their English is very good and verrrry forceful.

Vendor: "What you like? You see something you like?"

Customer: "Yeah, this."

V: "Ohhh, yeah. Very good. Very beautiful."

C: "How much?"

V: "For you, special discount. I give you good price." (grabs a calculator and enters in 1200 or higher, no matter the item)

C: "Too much!"

V: "How much you pay? Best price." (flips calculator to you)

C: (enters in 20)

V: "Okay, okay. No jokes. Real price. Real best price."

C: (stilllll 20)

V: "Too low, too low. I lose money!"

C: (still chilling at a solid 20)

V: "Okay, okay. I do 260."

C: "I'll go look somewhere else."

V: "Wait! 200. This quality. This quality piece, lady!"

C: ( walking)

V: "100. Best price."

C: "Too high. I don't have that much."

V: "How much you can do?"

C: 30.

V: (They are either silent, or cussing you out in a language you don't never want to understand well enough to make out the words in all that venom.  They are usually throwing something at you. A bag, your purchase, a kid, their cigarette, whatever. They act horrendously put-out through the final exchange and will give you crusties as long as you stay on the same floor. But whatever. You just got that watch for a little over 3 dollars. Pat yourself on the back.)

We also went to the Silk Market, which is like the classier version of the Pearl Market. It's easy to get lost and even easier to get offended. Maddy went to every single watch place there and got cussed out for being too cheap. They got low and personal. She ended up crying in a bathroom and even though she was fine after we sat for a minute, I felt horrible. Those vendors'll get you! So we called it a night, shopping-wise, and went to a pizza place nearby. Ohhh, pizza. How I love thee. Let me count the ways. I have no problem with the food here, but at lunch yesterday, I am pretty positive I ate dog. It tasted so much like bacon that I lost myself in a bacon frenzy.... only to realize. It was no meat we could identify. And our waitress kept side-stepping the question. So. Either cat or dog. Hollller. As in, I really wanted to. Gash. GASH.

We took the subway home without our group directors, to get some practice. It was just like Santa's workshop, except that it smelled like mushrooms and everybody looked like they wanted to hurt me. Also, I got credit-carded by a toothless man behind me more times than I'd ever like to admit. So that was an adventure. But now I know how to use the subway, so I am real happy about it. The knowing part. Not the credit-card part. I'm only a little happy about that. KIDDING, it was weird. Mom, you are dying. Sorrrrry. Just keepin' it real! Love you so!