You're Not Coming Through MY Window.

All right, all right. I'm fully aware of the obsession with the Twilight series, and being an honest person, I will even own up to it that I, at one point, was guilty of said obsession myself. I read the first book, and thought in my little eighth grade mind, "Hey, that's pretty crazy romantic. Mm. I want a hot, sparkly man thing to make my heart skip a couple beats every once in a while." I may have even thought things like, "Dang. Why can't I date someone just like that? Why can't someone try that hard for me? I wish I was Bella." Yeah, I was that far gone. I slipped onto the creepy websites, read the fan fiction, everything shameful you can possibly imagine... Actually, with the caliber of some of these fans, probably not everything you can imagine. Anyway, the point is, I was pretty into it. I may have even had some secret fantasies about Edward once or twice. I don't know.

I got my hands on the second book, New Moon. As I read, I found myself questioning my insane love of both Bella and Edward. Like, "Yeah, yeah. He left you. Its pretty tragic, you should definitely throw yourself down somewhere in the woods, causing the whole town of Forks to come search for you. Maybe you should also put yourself in near death situations so that you can imagine hearing his voice. That'd be good too. Also, probably cuddle with some hot Indian boy you have absolutely no feelings for. Maybe, uh, maybe you should whine some more. I don't know. You don't annoy me at ALL." But actually she did annoy me. And I found myself questioning Edward. Like, seriously? "Blah, blah blah. You left Bella. Your sister sees her jumping off a cliff. Totally go kill yourself without double checking. You couldn't possibly live without her, because you guys have such a special connection." But then I was all... Um, what connection do they even have? Why are Bella and Edward together? And I found myself thinking back to my beloved first book. And questioning the pedastal on which I held it in my mind.

Being logical, I began to list the motives for them getting together so quickly as they did in the first book. Here's what I came up with.
1] He wants to eat her.
2] She wants to get friskay with him.
3] They have mutual admiration for the other person's scent.
That, and the way Edward constantly controls the whiney Bella made me think... What even is this? What have I been sucked into? Still, the books are reasonably well written, chimps couldn't do better, and obsessions like that are hard to kick completely. So I was mildly horrified at what my little mind had attatched itself too. But then I realized how much I loved Jacob. And I stuck with that.

People were surprisingly accepting about my love for Jacob Black. That's not to say there was no controversy thrown at me, but for the most part, it was pretty cut and dry. Until people started to ask me, as though it were only natural, "Oh, so you want Bella to choose Jacob?" I thought about that. The answer was a resounding NO. I wanted Jacob to choose me. I wanted him to sweep into my room and let me braid his hair and tell him secrets and giggle about our future on the reservation. However, this was not to be, because I already have overactive sweat glands in my hands... And he's running like, 106 degrees at all times, so hand holding possibilities are at rock bottom. Still, I think we could have made it work.

So I kept reading, and I finished the third one. I was impressed at how much I hated Bella now that my eyes had been opened, and also how much I wanted to punch Edward in the face. That's not to say I wouldn't have made out with him first, but afterward I would have totally chewed him out about how controlling and unfair he is and blah blah. I was inconsolable crying for Jacob for about half an hour after I finished reading. Poor kid. I just want him to find someone who was a billion times better than Bella Swan, and less psychotic and creepy, and whatnot. Someone like me, I don't know. The point IS, though I have a crazy love/hate relationship with these books, I was still pretty stoked when this came out, bringing back a small whisper of my previous affection for Edward and general hype about the book:



And I believe I thought to myself, "Mm. Maybe I could love you.." I was surprisingly impressed with how attracted I was to ol' Cedric Diggory, even without the shmexy accent. Given, he's still a controlling creeper who comes in through windows and watches you sleep and contemplates killing you... And I certainly wouldn't want to be Bella. But watching that little teaser for the movie, I thought... "Maybe we could have our own little thing." You know, Shelby and Edward. We'd often get in fights about how controlling he is and how I wish he'd give me a little personal space, but BAM my sweaty hands wouldn't even be a problem for old popsicle there. So we'd argue, but there'd be some definite make-up kissing that would totally make us our own little thing. Maybe I would let him in my window sometimes, I don't know. Or so I thought...

Until I saw this wretched thing:



Whoa, whoa whoa! This isn't the sultry Edward from my fantasyland. This isn't the man who redeemed himself with that little crooked smile in the movie preview. This is just disgusting and awful on so many levels. Is that lipstick on your lips, my former love? You are not the man I thought you were. As for your too-pasty body, I wouldn't touch it with a one hundred and ten foot pole.

And Bella? Quit whining. If I looked even remotely like that, I sure as HECK wouldn't be hanging around with old nasty-hands there.

Jacob, you are one hundred percent back in my life. I am so sorry I ever doubted you. Please, please take me back. I miss the good times.

And as for you, Edward Cullen, until you shave your chest pubes, you are not coming through MY window anytime soon.

That is all.