I Will Set You On Fire Like A Charcoal Briquette.

Soooo. Here's the thing. I know we haven't talked about this yet, and we definitely will have to at some point. So, why not now? But. I'm living in Provo next year. I KNOW. I knowwww, people. What in the world?! It's definitely not where I saw myself and kind of the opposite of where I made plans in my head, but hey. When Heavenly Father speaks, all you can do is listen. Now. It's kind of a terrible story and it's going to make me sound really bad. But hey! When has that ever stopped us before, friends? Sooo, one time earlier this year I went and toured UVU. And I. LOVED. it. I really did. I had the best feeling ever walking on campus. I didn't see myself doing 4 years there, and a lot of their programs aren't even implemented beyond an Associate's, so that'd work out well. But I thought to myself, Hey there, Moody McGee! (This was during one of my previously mentioned internal melt-downs about college) You could totally start here and transfer somewhere else after two-years.

And then... I got terrified. And all my friends were making different decisions and were so sure about where they were going, and I just kept asking myself where in the world I could even GO to college and be successful. It's pretty much in PROVO. Guys, you have to know that my family are really not fans of Provo. Both my parents had terrible experiences with BYU and just, the whole, rapists-on-every-running-trail-reputation... it doesn't sit well, you know? It does not. Sit. Well. And so I naturally pushed it away. All last year I had planned on going to Utah State, anyway. It seemed like exactly the right place for me, but when I prayed about it, I had probably the most horrifying dream I've ever had. And I was like... Welp. Seeya later? Because everytime I even thought about it later, the feeling from my dream would come back, like absolute panic. I don't even remember what the dream was about at this point. I just remember that I was like... All right. Thanks a lot, Utah State. Giving me nightmares that would curdle anyone's blood to strawberry cream cheese. Just when I thought we were soulmates and I MAYBE had even a little bit of the future figured out!

But... the thing about the future is this - figure all you want, do your best to be prepared, but man! Be flexible when it's not exactly what you were planning. So one time, some really wise retired football coach said,

"Ten percent of life is what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it."

Welp, if you remember, this is a story about how I wasn't the best at being flexible or responding well. You live and you learn, all right! I'm just a fetus life-experience-wise. I acknowledge that. :) Sooo. There I was. I still applied to Utah State, got scholarships, but ultimately, I knew I couldn't feel right about going there. So there I was. Between Weber and UVU. I've felt for a long time that I NEED to live away from home, but I just couldn't make myself. Moral of this whole long-winded story is that I was seriously a baby about stuff. Sorry I can't ever be brief (but boy, can I be boxers? :/) Anyway. So I just sort of resigned myself to Weber. And resigned is a bad word, because Weber is a fabulous school. And anyone should be proud to go there. I just wanted to cry whenever I thought about it. And whenever someone asked me where I was going to school, and I said Weber, I cried after. And it put me in the worst mood for the rest of the day. Now, that is probably not how you should feel about your school, eh? Then, I went to get my scholarship from Weber. And it was pretty good. I'd be grateful for it. But I felt weird. I came home and cried more. (Senioritus is in definition the inflaming of the tear ducts.) Soooo. Then my mom keeps trying to talk to me about stuff and I'm just being weird. I was fully aware I was, I just felt awful about stuff. And she kept giving me lovely talks about how she'd support me wherever, and I just couldn't handle it.

Well. One day, my lovely friend Natalie asked me where I was going, and I said I'd decided on Weber. Afterward, I came in the costume room and cried. (Seriously, you'd think I was just drowning Davis High in my tears to read this post. When in reality, I don't think 3/4 of my class has ever seen me even show I'm unhappy. And SO WHAT if I did want to drown them in tears?! They can buy some galloshes. Evvveryone wants galloshes. Plus. I would feel weirder admitting how emotional I was if I didn't know at least 20 other people who had the exact same experience. Senior year! Giddy up!) I was going to call my mom, and then I thought, you know? She's probably had enough of my whining about this to last her a lifetime.

So I trudge off to AP English, eh? I'm sitting writing a sleep-deprived essay on, oh I don't know, Hamlet, probably. My phone buzzes. And it's my madre. Telling me I got an email saying, should I choose it I'm pretty much paid for at UVU. Oh, yeah. You'll remember UVU. How weird is it that they'd give me more money than Weber? And make it literally cheaper to live away from home than to go to Weber? So. That was like hitting me with a mini-van of confusion. (Mormon stereotype reference! You betcha.) Well. Right then I was like.... What if I went to UVU?! So. It was a major humbling experience for me.

Cause I realized... Oh. Yeah. I didn't even bother to pray about Weber or UVU. Beyond not bothering - I think it was because I was terrified I'd get an answer I didn't like. Wow. Really? Hahahah. Sorry I suck. I was just so scared of being told to go somewhere hard or terrified I'd be wrong. Which is so silly since He knows all and is in everything, so wouldn't I rather be wrong and doing what he knows is right than thinking I'm right when He knows I'm wrong? That scholarship offer was really an amazing push for me and humbled me to a point where I could ask Him what to do, even though I was scared. He was ready to help me the WHOLE. TIME. and I could've saved everyone around me these ridiculous months if I would've just come to Him and asked. So, I did. I fasted and prayed, and I knew it was UVU. So. Yes. I will be living in Provo. Yes, I have weighed the cons. Oh, how I have weighed them... But you know what? It's right. I don't really understand everything about why I need to go there, but I am positive that it's where I need to be. So I will go. And hey. If you stuck with me through this ranty-journal-like entry, props to YOU. There have been a lot of those lately, and I apologize. Just gotta get it down SOMEWHERES. Mostly, what prompted this entry was... I'm living in BYU Housing... And I'm going to have to use all my willpower so that this isn't me at Family Home Evenings:


:/ Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha. Ha. Ha. I LOVE when people look for other people who have their eyes open during prayers.