So. Today, I had a test in AP Art History. I either aced it or. It was just far too easy. I'm praying aced it. My essays were perhaps a little rambly, but eh. I'm going on like 4 hours of sleep. Which I will NOT be doing again today, friends. I'm heading off to sleep around nine, so I'm trying to pop this blog off as fast as possible! So I got to leave class early. Awesome, right?! The reason? Maybe not so awesome. Only time will tell!
It's not a big deal, but like a week and a half ago, I found a lump in my left breast. (Hahahaa. My sister Brittany is married and in her 20's and STILL flips out when I use that word.) Anyway. When I found it, I was not so calm. Naturally, I was laying in bed on the phone with Cody. And I'm like... What in the sweet name of Oz are you?! I may have had a legitimate MELT-DOWN about how I wanted to be able to grow up and marry someone and have babies and not die of breast cancer. I know, I KNOW. I was being a freak! But honestly, I was so scared. Given, I was really tired and really stressed. So I ran in to talk to my mommy, but my dad wouldn't let me since she was already sleeping and had work early in the morning. He told me she couldn't do anything tonight even if it was something serious. His advice - while valid - was less than comforting. So I basically ran back to my room and had an absolute sob fest all night. Luckily, remember that Cody kid? Yeah, he's pretty all right. He, of course, is researching the crap out of stuff because he's the nicest kid in the world. No big deal. And he found out that odds are ridiculously low for a 17 year old girl, but not unprobable. Trust him to be all logical and a sweetheart about stuff, right? Then you've got me cuddled in bed sobbing because I'm too psychotic to think the actuality and such through. I was basically beyond real calm, but he did help me more than he knows that night. I'm so grateful for his friendship and kindness, especially when I know I'm being ridiculous. Which. Is a lot!
I set my alarm really early and made my mom check me out in the morning. She was totally calm, and sweet, and the best friend ever. And I was flipping out. (Do you see a pattern here? I'm really a freak.) Mostly, I just have the nicest people ever in my life. Anyway, she went to work and talked to some people and got me an appointment for this Monday.
I went in, and after having my chest kneaded like bread-dough, (ow.) I was told it was only a fibrous-tumor-type-deal. Totally benign, just a fibroid. I'm feeling all awesome about life! We scheduled an ultra-sound on it for this morning just to make sure. Now, if you've been a true follower of my bloggage (ew. That is such a yucky word. And for some reason made me think of Ursula from Little Mermaid?) you'll remember that this is not my first rodeo. Oh, no, sir! I had to get an ultra-sound on my chest on that very same side back a little after ninth-grade, I believe. That one was to check my heart, though. And the gel was cold and the man was old. That's all there is to it.
This time, however, I had a much classier time of it. They gave me my own dressing room... a locker, a robe! Everything. However. I feel like white is an unfortunate color for a robe under which you'll be naked from the waist up. Let's leave it at that. Luckily, or unluckily - however you want to look at things (I DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK AT ANYONE'S THINGS) - I was in a waiting room with other women dressed exactly the same, so no one was noticing my white robe. And I kept my arms crossed real good while reading up on Charlie Sheen. He went. CRAZY. What?!
Anywho. They called me back and someone named Rose did my ultrasound. The gel was warm and she was female. I'm thinking we're smooth sailing! My mom thought so too, and she was like, "I think that looks good!" And Rose, OH ROSE, gave a nervous laugh and didn't reply. She just said she was going to get the radiologist... Uh, yeah. That dropped the mood for us a bit. So she brings the guy in. And he looks like he should be on Grey's Anatomy. He's like. 24, tops. I'm like, listen McSteamy, come back when you graduate. Luckily, he hardly even looked at my actual... area. Even when he was feeling for the bump and re-running the ultrasound. The nurse had thought it had irregular edges, but it has no visible blood-source, which cancer obviously has to have. I was just freaked out, I guess. Especially given my family history - like on my mama's side.
The doctor (was he 12 or can I call him that?) said he honestly had no idea what it was. He made a couple guesses, said it could be some sort of fluid-filled. THING. living up in there. They can't biopsy it or puncture it at all because if the fluid spills out into the rest of the breast - hahaha, Brittany! - it'll get ridiculously inflamed. And heaven knows I don't want that. He said we wouldn't want to make an incision, cause obviously that's not cosmetically preferable. I'm like, Oh, really? Cause I actually wanted my chest to look like Scar. Grawwwwrrr! WEDDING NIGHT. But what's this?! You think that's not ideal? Well, heaven sakes. That's news.
So, I guess I was just feeling crappy because there we were. Not a fibroid, not an answer. Just a fluid-filled something living in me chest. Thankksss? I was kind of in a funk afterward since they couldn't tell me anything definitive. Sometimes I'm really bad about waiting for an answer. I want it NOW. But, that's not going to happen with this. It's probably nothing. He said cancer isn't outside of the realm of possibility completely, but since we couldn't see a bloodsource, we'll just check it every month and then I'll come back in 6 months to make sure. Soooo. There's that. But it won't be anything really sketchy, he said!Luckily, I got to go to internship after. Have we talked about this? I feel like we might've. Or at least I probably meant to. I intern at Windridge Elementary School with their Special Needs department. There are several classes in the department for children with varying degrees of functionality. I'm in the most severe classroom. We have kids in hospital beds, kids that have been working on the same goals for 6 years, an 18 year old still working, all kinds. And I love them. I really do. I was sad to get there with only an hour left before I had to go back to regular school, but so happy to be there at all.
One beautiful little girl that I don't get to spend half enough time with there is named Jessica. Jess is beautiful, and I sincerely mean that. She has the longest, shiniest hair ever. She loves the movie Tangled, and no exaggeration, that's what her hair looks like - Rapunzel. It's always in the longest, most luscious braids you've ever seen with little braids inside them. She has beautiful blue eyes, and she doesn't speak. Not in the way you and I do, anyway. She communicates with her eyes and with her tongue movements since she doesn't close her mouth. She has to be suctioned several times a day, it's hard for her to breathe, and she absolutely inspires me.
We have lots in common, also. We have the exact same birthday, we both LOVE horses, and we both would eat bacon every meal if our parents would allow it. We like chapter books, but today, we got to share a love of music. I never get to work with Jess because I'm usually doing a reading program with Noah. He's the funniest kid ever. Jess and I got to talk for a little and do introductions, and then we worked on auditory.
For auditory, we listen to an iPod, and we each have an ear phone - so I can make sure it's not too loud or anything. Today, Jess was really tired, and her nurse told me she hadn't gotten any responses from her of any kind all day. I played a few songs, but I knew we would lead into Josh Groban. He's her favorite. As soon as I put on this song, she opened her eyes right up - which is a response and a communication. She loved it, and she wanted to hear. And I wanted to share it with her. So we listened to this song. For me, I listened to for the first time. And for her, she was kind enough to share its beauty with me. It's a very Jessica song. PLEASE go to playlist.com and listen to it or something. It won't let me embed it, but it's worth your time.
You Are Loved
"Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I, I, will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I, I, will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you, are loved
Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I, I'll be there to find you
Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I, I will shine to guide you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you, are loved
You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Everyone needs to be loved
You are loved"
Um, yeah. It's pretty much HER song. It made me think about her relationship with the Savior and how amazingly kick-butt and strong her little Spirit is, fighting in there to be heard and deal with all her challenges and trials. She's going to wait her whole earthly life to walk or talk or laugh. You'd think I could wait 6 months about something so silly. I love her. And I'm grateful for her. Today and everyday. And the millions of beautiful people like her. I admire her. She is a fantastic example to me.
Also. You know when someone says something you need to hear? And you're just like. Oh, hey, Heavenly Father. Sorry I was ridiculous and you had to punch me in the face with yet ANOTHER reassurance. Yeah. That happened today. I was talking to Jess's nurse about life in general. She suffers from severe anxiety and depression, and she was telling me how she struggled with that all through high school and such, and when she moved out on her lonesome right after high school and went to school, when she thought it'd be hardest? With no one she knew and in a random place? She'd never been happier. It was her easiest time - even compared to her mission and her first year of marriage now. It was a big reassurance to me. I don't struggle with those issues, and I've been blessed with a buoyancy, I think. I can bounce back. I can handle college next year, even though it'll be a struggle sometimes. It'll all be okay. :)
Have a fantastic day. You are loved. Thanks for listening. :)
You are great. Bi-winning, even.
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